


to be a good person

by hqten



Series: ten's sakuatsu angst week 2021 [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Confession, M/M, Pining, Rejection, Unrequited, except that it's requited and miya atsumu is an idiot, very slight mention of alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-22 14:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30040038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqten/pseuds/hqten
Summary: “Miya,” Sakusa says softly, causing Atsumu to lift his head. “What are you thinking about?”“Stupid things,” Atsumu replies, and it’s true. He’s thinking about himself.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: ten's sakuatsu angst week 2021 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204862
Comments: 14
Kudos: 48
Collections: SakuAtsuAngstWeek





	to be a good person

**Author's Note:**

> this may be one of my favourites hehe
> 
> for sakuatsu angst week, day eight, prompt two : insecurity

From across Meian’s living room, Atsumu sees Sakusa. He’s perched on the sofa with his fingers clasped around a glass of water, staring down at it thoughtfully. He’s been in that position for almost thirty minutes, and Atsumu knows because he’s been counting. He’s wanted to approach Sakusa all night, but his usual air of self assurance disappears every time that Sakusa’s eyes glance in his general direction.

The clock is nearing midnight, so their team party will be ending soon. Atsumu inhales, shakes his head, and joins Sakusa on the sofa.  
“Hey, Omi.”

Sakusa turns his head to the side and raises an eyebrow.  
“I was wondering when you were going to stop staring at me.”

“I’m still staring.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d assume that you were interested in me.”

Atsumu wipes the corners of his mouth in an attempt to hide a blush.  
“I’m glad that you know better.”

Sakusa laughs. Atsumu rarely gets to hear this sound, and he savours each moment. Sakusa’s laugh is surprisingly high pitched, and he throws his head back and smiles as he laughs.  
“You’re funny.”

Atsumu inches closer to Sakusa.  
“That sounds suspiciously like a compliment.”

“It was one.”

“Sakusa Kiyoomi? Complimenting me, a piece of lowlife scum?”

“Yes.” A smile appears on Sakusa’s lips and doesn’t fade. “Tonight, you are worthy of compliments.”

“What about tomorrow night?”

“We’ll see.” Sakusa sets down the glass he has been holding and twists his body to face Atsumu. “We’ll see.”

There’s a crash from the garden and they turn their heads to see that Bokuto had attempted to perform a handstand while Hinata was on his back. Sakusa lets out a low chuckle.  
“They’re funny.”

“Why’s everything funny to you tonight?”

“The world is more amusing when you’re here.”

Atsumu purses his lips.  
“Are ya calling me a joke?”

“Yes,” Sakusa replies solemnly. “But the kind of joke that I’d write down so I don’t forget it, and then I’d tell it to all my friends.”

“Ya don’t have friends.”

“And I think I’d begin all my conversations with this joke because I know that other people would enjoy it.”

Atsumu grins.  
“That’s a pretty cool thing to say.”

“And you, Atsumu, are a pretty cool person to be talking to.” Without warning, Sakusa moves even closer and rests his head against Atsumu’s shoulder.

“Hey, I’m not a pillow.”

Sakusa jerks his head upwards and mumbles an apology.

“It’s okay,” Atsumu says, looking straight ahead. He wants to scratch his shoulder but also doesn’t want to be rude and imply that he dislikes Sakusa’s touch. On the contrary, he likes it. He likes Sakusa’s touch and Sakusa’s laugh and Sakusa’s smile and it took him a while to realise that all these things have Sakusa in common.

He likes Sakusa.

He likes the man sitting cross legged on someone else’s sofa next to him, and he likes him even though he shouldn’t. Atsumu is an asshole. Atsumu is a jerk. Atsumu is flawed, through and through, and he doesn’t deserve Sakusa in the slightest.

So he moves further along the couch, opening up a gap between the two of them.

“Did I do something wrong?” Sakusa asks. 

“Nope,” Atsumu says, because he’s not about to tell Sakusa that the only thing he’s done wrong is seeing good in Miya Atsumu. “I thought that ya might want space. ‘Cause you hate people touching you.”

“Not if it’s you.”

Atsumu doesn’t respond to that.

They sit in silence. Atsumu tries to keep his gaze off Sakusa but gives up, allowing his eyes to rest on him. 

“You’re staring,” Sakusa points out. 

“So are you.”

Sakusa raises an eyebrow.  
“Indeed I am.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re staring at each other.”

Atsumu nods, grinning lightly.  
“We are.”

“It’s a Saturday evening, and you and I are sitting on a sofa while everybody else is outside, and it’s a little dark, and it’s a little warm, and we’re staring at each other.”

“Why are ya saying it like that?”

Sakusa shrugs.  
“Just something to consider.”

Atsumu wishes that he’d been less obvious about his feelings, because the last thing he wants to do is manipulate Sakusa into loving him back.  
“Don’t consider it too hard.”

“I won’t,” Sakusa says, and his smile falters for a moment.

“Good.”

The next hour passes. It’s slow and mild and Atsumu wants to take this moment and put it on repeat. It’s the closest to perfection he’ll allow himself to be, centimetres away from the man who he loves when he really shouldn’t because he’d be a shitty lover.

Still, it’s nice to imagine. So Atsumu imagines a world in which he’s able to care about people other than himself. He imagines a world where he does good deeds and makes people smile without making a joke. He imagines a world where he’s different, less selfish, where he’s worthy of love.

The fact that all his fantasies revolve around himself is further proof that he’s just as self-immersed as everyone else thinks.

Atsumu closes his eyes.

“Miya?”

Atsumu’s eyes flutter open to see Sakusa watching him in concern.

“I thought you fell asleep.”

“Nah. I’m fine.”

“Do you want to join the others?” Sakusa gestures towards the garden where everyone else is. Atsumu had almost forgotten about them. In all honesty, he doesn’t want to join them. He’s tired and annoyed and frustrated that Sakusa still believes he’s worth talking to.

“Sure,” he replies, because it seems like Sakusa wants to go outside and Atsumu needs to stop making everything about himself.

They’re walking back from the MSBY party. It’s two am and it’s dark and Atsumu has Sakusa’s jacket over his shoulders because he can’t remember where his own is. Everyone else has opted to drive, so it’s just him and Sakusa, walking along the pavement.

Atsumu has had precisely one drink, and he’s not drunk, but there’s something about Sakusa that inebriates him. After a night of reluctant partying, Sakusa’s hair is out of place and his eyes have dark circles and his skin glows beneath the starlight. He’s so ethereal that Atsumu feels insignificant in comparison, and it’s the final confirmation that Sakusa will never love him back.

Sakusa is perfect. Atsumu is Atsumu.

It’s not that Atsumu lacks confidence. In fact, he’s been told he’s overconfident, and in Osamu’s words, ‘needs to get his cocky head out of his ass.’

He’s not particularly insecure about his physical looks, either. The hordes of screaming fans do wonders for his ego, and he’s been involved in talks about a potential modelling contract. He knows he’s attractive. But that isn’t enough. Atsumu is all too aware that his personality is less than desirable and no self respecting person would willingly subject themself to the full force of his narcissism. Especially someone as uptight as Sakusa Kiyoomi, who has on many occasions made it clear that he doesn’t appreciate Atsumu’s personality.

“Miya,” Sakusa says softly, causing Atsumu to lift his head. “What are you thinking about?”

“Stupid things,” Atsumu replies, and it’s true. He’s thinking about himself.

“Hey.” Sakusa looks upwards at the sky. “I thoroughly enjoyed tonight.”

“Uh, me too.”

“I enjoyed spending time with the team.” He hesitates. “And with you.”

“Oh, nice. Same.”

“Maybe right now isn’t the best time, but there’s something I want you to know.” Sakusa steps in front of Atsumu. “I think I’m happier around you.”

“Ah. Thanks.” Atsumu doesn’t remember seeing Sakusa consume any alcohol, but he must be drunk. There’s no way that a sober Sakusa would think so highly of him.

“And I want- I want to be with you.”

Sakusa Kiyoomi is a liar. 

Sakusa Kiyoomi is a liar. 

Sakusa Kiyoomi is a liar.

“No you don’t,” Atsumu says. “You don’t want to be with me. I’m a terrible person.”

“You’re not.”

“Yeah I am! You say it all the time, that I’m too loud, or I’m too arrogant, or whatever. You’re better off without me.”

“You don’t understand.” Sakusa has a pained expression on his face, and it hurts Atsumu to look at it. “I love you. I love everything about you.”

Atsumu shakes his head. Sakusa can’t like him. This is a prank to embarrass him. Any minute now, Bokuto and Hinata will spring up from behind a bush and they’ll laugh at him and Sakusa will admit to the joke and Atsumu will sulk and they’ll all go home.

“Atsumu? You don’t- you don’t want this?”

“No,” Atsumu lies, his voice cold.

“Really? I thought- you acted like-”

“No,” Atsumu repeats. “I don’t want this.”

Sakusa’s mouth opens and then closes. He looks downwards.  
“I understand. Sorry for bothering you.”

Atsumu watches Sakusa walk away and tries to feel relieved. Even if Sakusa had liked him, which he hadn’t, he was doing Sakusa a favour by turning him down. Atsumu would end up making Sakusa miserable, because he’s a bad person.

Protecting Sakusa from that is what a good person would do, right?

Right.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading !! feel free to comment your thoughts :)
> 
> or talk me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/hqtens)


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